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Dear Brothers and
Sisters in the Lord,
My name is Lêvi and
I have been given the privilege to share my experience of Cura
Personalis with yoụ
Some of you may know my mother, “chị
Liên Hương”,
my uncle “anh Long”, and my cousins Thùy Tiên and Sophie. I hope this letter finds you well and basking in the love
of God! Blessings to all of you!
“The Voice of God in
the Onion Field”
I am a child of
Dong-Hanh. Trước
khi em hiểu
Đồng
Hành là gì thì
Đồng
Hành đã
ở
trong máu trong xương
tủy
của
em rồi!
Cha Thành actually
married my parents and I grew up seeing him as another member of my
family. I remember going to meetings with my mom as a little boy not
understanding what was going on, but knowing deep within myself that
there was something special there. One of my favorite memories in Đồng
Hành was Văn
Nghệ
(Dong-Hanh by Night). Even though I didn’t understand everything that
I heard, the laughter was contagious and when I reminisce about it, I
can’t remember a time that I had laughed harder! These people have a
joy about
them but where did this joy come from? This very question seemed to be
the question that lead me to Cura Personalis.
In the past seven
years of working as a youth leader, assistant pastor, and hospital
chaplain, I have seen and experienced many things. It has been an
incredible journey to say the least! I have seen some of the most
touching acts of love and also some of the most horrendous acts evil.
At times my journey has brought me to the highest mountain top, flying
on the wings of an eagle; other times it has brought me to my knees
and even to the very depths of hell. It has been the epitome of agony
and the apex of ecstasy. All the while, I have dreamed of an “ideal
ministry/community.” Although my ministry experience has been rather
short, I feel as though I have lived and seen a lifetime of ministry.
I have seen many things that enhance a ministry and I have also seen
many things that hamper a ministry.
I have taken so many notes and have asked myself dozens of times, “If
I were to institute or devote myself to a ministry, what would that
ministry have to look like?” To my amazement, it would look a lot like
Dong-Hanh!
Here are some of the
things my ideal ministry would have. I have dreamed of a community
where everyone is equal. Regardless of age, everyone is regarded as a
brother or sister. In this community everyone is a priest or minister
because God has given everyone unique gifts and talents for the
purpose of service. This ideal community is highly organized, with
time tested training that empowers its members, yet at the same time
it is so open and honest towards each other and God that it is not
stagnant or dogmatic. It is living and dynamic because it moves and
grows according to the Spirit of God. It is an organism, not an
organization. It journeys and listens to people instead of brow beats
and preaches down to them. Each member knows how to cares for their
individual self and as a result, cares for others in the best way
possible.
It respects the arts as a creative mode of expression and connection with God; the list goes on and on.
Maybe I was too new
to this community to understand it fully, but I was flabbergasted at
what little I already saw! My vision of what I would call a “true
ministry” was not just a daydream! Many of the ideas that I had in my
mind had become realized in Dong-Hanh and I was actually participating
in that reality! It was amazing to retrace the history of Dong-Hanh,
even back as far as it’s conception as only thought in one man’s mind
and a dream in the heart of God. In looking at the history of
Dong-Hanh, I began to see how deeply I was already connected with
Dong-Hanh. My mother was with Dong-Hanh since its conception, and now
I was as old as Dong-Hanh was! It was as if Dong-Hanh was not an
organization, but an actual person. Imagining Dong-Hanh as a person, I
feel as if I am traveling a similar journey as Dong-Hanh! I too have
sought acceptance into a greater community of believers and I too have
had a war-like experience that threatened to completely break my faith
completely apart. The history of Dong-Hanh is a testimony to the
goodness, faithfulness, and power God -the dream of God becoming
reality! I believe my story is the same. Like Dong-Hanh’s story, my
story is just beginning. We have experienced much in our twenty six
years, but we are still traveling the journey. We look forward to
learning and experiencing new things, yet at the same time we
earnestly pray for direction and seek counsel from our Father.
When I think of
Vietnam
I feel broken hearted. How can such a little S-shaped country be so
divided? Vietnam seems so conquered and influenced by other countries.
Where is the heart and soul of Vietnam? Where is its strength? What is
its true identity? Perhaps God’s Spirit working through us can heal
and empower the people
Vietnam
needs to know who she is. It’s a radical thought, but if it is in the
heart of God it would be unstoppable! New possibilities, endless
possibilities have started to formulate in my mind. I started to
think, “Perhaps dreams really do come true!” When God says, “Nothing
is impossible,” He’s not kidding! I still pinch myself when I think
about Dong-Hanh and its future.
Well, back to
reality! There’s only so far I can go in trying to describe something
like Cura Personalis. The only way you will understand it, is if you
experience it for yourself. When I reflect on my experience with Cura
Personalis, there are just too many experiences to count. If one of
the goals of Ignatian Spirituality is “to see God in all things,” at
Cura Personalis, I definitely saw God! Every corner I turned, every
sound I heard, every person I met, revealed another part of God to me!
It was overwhelming! It is impossible to take it all in, let alone
write about it! Nevertheless I will attempt to describe the awe of God
to you through three experiences I had during the retreat.
My Cura Personalis
experience began with the spiritual exercise of washing hands. What
needed to take place was you would dip your hands into a bowl of water
and another person would dry your hands. In drying your hands the
other person would say to you, “You are God’s beloved son/daughter. He
is well pleased with you,” a very simple gesture to say the least. In
turn, you would do the same for someone else. It is a retelling of
Christ’s baptism and how God’s Spirit descended upon Jesus and said
the same words to Him. When I saw such a portrayal of God’s love and
approval I was awestruck! Could those very words that the Father said
to Jesus apply to me? It would be impossible to completely describe to
you how much I needed to hear these words! These words resonated with
me on a myriad of levels and echoed to the deepest places of my heart.
It was too much for me to handlẹ
I was God’s beloved and he was pleased with me. He was proud of me! Oh
how I longed to hear these words just once in my life! But,
I couldn’t go up there, I was unworthy of the grace. I was floored by
the grace of God! I didn’t know how I was going to go up there. Then a
girl who could be my older sister nudged me and said, “Em ơi,
đi
lên trên kia kìa,
đi
lên trên kia kìa!” Time stood still as I slowly took my heavy heart,
full of emotion up to the front.
When I got to the
front a gentleman who could be my uncle served me. What an image of
God! If anything, I should be drying his hands. It was hard for me to
hold back the tears as he said those words and embraced me. The person
whose hands I ended up washing was a gentleman in his 30s. I felt that
God gave me His eyes in that instance and I saw my very self in that
man, several years into the future. I felt so much love for this
person and realized how much love God had for me. I forced myself to
put into words the love I felt and with voice cracking, I mumbled the
words, “You are God’s beloved son in whom He is well pleased,” past
the lump in my throat. Then I embraced him. He seemed to be taken
aback by my gesture, I hope I didn’t scare him, but I couldn’t help
myself. In that moment, I felt the love and longing of God for not
only me, but for all of humanity.
In Taize prayer
later that night I felt so deeply engulfed in the moment that my
surroundings started to fade away. I felt connected to God
individually, as if no one else was in the room. Yet at the same time
I felt as though I was connected with everyone in the room because we
were all gathered there for the same purpose.
At times I felt like it was only me sitting in front of the altar of
God, other times I felt like I was a part of something massive,
perhaps the whole choir of angels in heaven, thousands upon thousands
gathered to
worship and come into the presence of God. As the Taize prayer
continued, I was pulled closer and closer into the presence of God. I
was compelled to kneel and open my hands in front of mẹ
As we began to pray, “O Lord, hear my prayer when I call
answer me,” tears began to fall from my eyes and into my hands. I
didn’t have any specific request in my mind, I just felt as if a part
of my soul was being poured out through my tears. I raised those tears
to heaven as my sacrifice to God. As we sang the last verse, “my Lord,
my God, my salvation,” the tears dried from my hands. It was as if God
had accepted them and I raised my hands in complete bliss towards
heaven, thanking and praising God. God heard and understood my desire.
In the last guided
prayer exercise that we did, we had the opportunity to contemplate
with God about self Cura Personalis. As I became more and more present
to my own feelings, I came to a place of weariness within myself. In
the past six years I had had many painful and heart wrenching
experiences linked with ministry.
I began to express to God through silent screams, “What do you want
from me? What the hell do you want me to do? I have lead small
groups, preached sermons, organized and coordinated programs, played
instruments in
church, journeyed 3,000 miles away from home to California in order to
learn theology and minister to your people! “Chúa muốn
con làm gì cho Chúa?” In the silence I felt God gently touch my
shoulder and say in a whisper, “Lêvi, con à, I don’t want you to ‘do’
anything. Spend time with me. Be here with me. Stay with me. Hãy ở
cùng Cha.” At that moment I felt the love of God pour out over me,
from head to toe, like an endless waterfall. I opened my hands to try
to receive it, but truly like King David wrote,
“my cup runneth
over.” I couldn’t catch all of the overflow! Even as I had lifted my
sacrifice of tears to God in Taize, God now responded with His own
sacrifice of love to me. For the first time in my life, the tears I
cried were not tears of sorrow or pain; they were tears of pure
happiness! I am the beloved of God! I always have been and forever
will be!
Coming to Cura
Personalis was not only a dream come true for me, but many dreams
coming true. So many connections had been made: connections with the
past, connections with myself, connections with my family, connections
with new friends, and of course most importantly with God. When I was
little, I could see why my mother would want to hang out with the
Dong-Hanh community.
It was so fun! However, I didn’t know or understand what the community
did when they weren’t participating in Văn Nghệ.
Where did the joy
come from? Now I knew! Now I understood! It is in connecting with God
in the silence that joy is found! And that joy bursts through the
silence and is given to all.
Before I left the
retreat house that day a deeper connection had been established with
my mother and in my mind’s eye I saw a vision of her. I can’t put into
words the beauty that I saw! She was still my mother, but she wasn’t a
motherly figure. She was a fellow sojourner with me. I saw her as a
twenty-six year old young adult like me. She was wearing bell-bottoms,
singing, laughing, and praying before God. She had the same hopes,
dreams, aspirations, as I did and both mother and son (best friends
rather) were walking the same journey, yearning with passion to have a
closer and fuller relationship with God. It was if our souls were
connected in that instant and she was interceding for me. I believe in
that moment and I was able to understand the prayers and dreams my
mother has for me. I now I understand why Đồng
Hành plays such an integral role
in her life and now in mine.
So what is Dong-Hanh
to me? When I was younger I remember asking my mom, “Why is your group
called the “onion field?’” Yet as I reflect on the meaning of
Dong-Hanh more, in many ways it does resemble an onion field. I’m sure
much better imagery could be found to describe Dong-Hanh, but I think
this image makes the most sense to me and establishes the best
connection, at least for me. In a sense, Dong-Hanh’s environment and
atmosphere is a field. We come together in order to grow together. We
pray that God’s love would pour out upon us like a spring rain.
Especially as Asians, we know we cannot sautee vegetables without
frying the onions. Like onions we want God to heat and warm us so that
we can release the fragrance of Christ within us. We want people to
taste the goodness of God that we have experienced. Like onions,
Dong-Hanh might make you cry.
But it’s a good type of crying and is an exquisite representation of
having been touched and embraced by the infinite love of God.
So if you long to
hear the voice of God, I invite you to come to the “Onion Field.” Come
as you are; bring your heart and everything that is within it. Be
yourself, open and honest before God. Listen. Not only will you hear
the voice of God, you’ll find out that He has been waiting for you
this whole time!
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