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When this retreat
started, I hoped for two things: that I might connect with God and
that I might receive some direction in my life. For the past several
years, thoughts of what I was to do when I “grew up” lurked in my
mind. Instead of confronting them, I evaded these thoughts, with,
“Oh, don’t worry about that now, you have plenty of time to consider
the possibilities.” When I got to UCI though, everyone seemed so sure
of what was in store for himself. Despite declaring a major, I do not
know what I want to do in life. I thought and prayed constantly for
guidance, but I could not hear God. At times, I prayed for Him to
reveal His purpose for my life, but He did not respond. There must
not be a reason for my existence then.
The Ha.t Cai?
Retreat helped me learn much about myself, through the exercises,
meditations, readings, and especially, the spiritual direction. As
anh Hung said, “Spiritual directors do not instruct an individual
about what it is he or she is supposed to do, or what God wants for
that individual. Spiritual directors merely act as a mirror
reflecting that individual’s thoughts and feelings, helping the
individual become aware of these thoughts and feelings.”
I saw the
reflections. I saw two possible paths in my life, both radically
different.
Growing up in a
loving family, I am fortunate to have been instilled with values that
shaped and continue to shape me into the person I am today. In hand
with loving, my family is relatively conservative and practical.
Professionally, we have engineers, nurses, and accountants - secured
jobs that offer a relatively comfortable living. Because of this
influence, I suppose I unconsciously define the professional world as
consisting of lawyers, doctors, engineers, nurses, and accountants.
In doing so, I may have rejected considering other careers. I
knew I was not going to be a lawyer, so I settled for becoming a
doctor. I am afraid that though it brings security, becoming a doctor
may not be God’s plan for me. As a doctor I can help people, but
subconsciously, am I choosing this for the glory, security, wealth,
and repute? I am interested in biology, but I do not know if that
interest is destined to grow into something God planned for me.
Radically
different from a medical future is a literary one. I love to read at
an early age. From The Berenstein Bears to Pride and Prejudice, and
the hundreds of books in between, reading takes me to places I have
yet and hope to be. The conflict is obvious. What future is
possible for a literature major? Or, as asked by anh Hung, how can I
use such a path to further serve God? I have heard many times, “With
God, all things are possible,” but if I pursue this love of
literature, am I pursuing my own interests, or God’s? My heart
chooses literature. My mind chooses medicine. I am torn between.
God, please keep me whole.
The retreat
helped me remain intact. Before, I doubted that God has a purpose for
my existence, now, I know that He does have a purpose for me. After
all, “The goal of our life is to live with God forever. […] Our only
desire and our one choice should be this: I want and I choose what
better leads to God’s deepening his life in me.” (The First Principle
and Foundation). Before I wondered why He did not respond to me, or
why I did not feel His presence as strongly as I desired. Now, I
realize I had talked to Him in the wrong way. I now need to
acknowledge His presence before speaking to Him. Furthermore, I
understand now that I do not hear God because I not give Him time to
respond. I talked about one topic then immediately moved on to
something else entirely. Perhaps, my most striking error while
praying was asking for the wrong grace. I asked God to help me find
my way in my life, when I should be asking for God’s help in finding
His way in my life.
The most
significant practice I learned from this retreat was how to pray
-clear my mind, give time to God, and be patient. Although I learned
how to pray, the process is still difficult. I have yet to feel God’s
presence or to hear His voice. His plan for my future remains a
mystery. But from the Hat Cai retreat, I have hope. The readings,
meditations, lectures, and spiritual directions made me realize that
although I do not know what God has in store for my future, I do know
that He has a purpose for my life. I am confident that I will
discover this purpose, which will help me choose the path. I am
confident of this, and am content in praying for the fortitude and
courage to follow God when I finally hear His voice.
Chu/a o*i,
I ask to receive Your plans for my life as my own dreams.
Please help me be open to Your voice and all possibilities.
Teach me to listen.
Help me to hear.
Amen.
Ai-Chau Hoang
30 January 2004
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