Holy Spirit Overdose

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Then the opportunity came for me to revisit a place I often strayed away from.  It was time for me to “come back home to my Father.”  I was going to spend a weekend in the mountains with my group, and we were going to embark on a journey to reconcile and to “come back home.” 

Originally, I did not want to attend this retreat because I wasn’t sure if I had the desire in me.  I thought there was no point in my going.  But I felt obligated because I had encouraged other people to go.  So I went.  Looking back, I am glad that I did. 

This retreat helped me realize that my life is bent out of shape and that I needed someone to help me get it back in shape.  I had been running away from so many things in the past year and it is time to turn back and face those problems.  I want to be happy again. 

Saturday morning focused on the purpose of the retreat.  Cha Long started our journey with a reflection—we were blindfolded.  I secluded myself from the rest of the group.  I felt troubled and desired to reach out and touch someone.  I felt the area around me and there was no one.  Then I heard a voice—Cha Long prayed and asked Jesus to help us on our journey, to protect and grant us the peace and love that we needed.  We sat in silence for about thirty seconds but if felt like an eternity for me.  All I could think of was my best friend.  I wish he were here next to me.

I believe God knew my thoughts for suddenly, I heard my best friend and another close friend, reading the reflection Cha Long prepared.  I felt as if they were speaking directly to me, and I broke down.  Tears were coming out like crazy.  I don’t think anyone else in that room was crying.  My friends repeated words of support and love, words I had not heard in the past year.  Their words were a lifesaver; their words rescued me from drowning in loneliness and pain.

Their rescue was followed by Tommy Paige’s “A Shoulder to Cry On.”  That song was God’s present for after hearing my two friends’ reflection, the song reinforced that they were with me through thick and thin.  Just when I thought I cried enough, I broke down again, and my tears soaked the blindfold.  To this day, I still don’t know if they were tears of pain or tears of happiness and relief.

As we prepared for Reconciliation Mass, I started to tremble.  I thought the activities throughout the day had pacified my trouble feelings.  The chapel was dark except for flickering ten candles on the floor, arranged in the shape of a heart.

I reflected and cried some more.  I felt ashamed for all of the things I did and wanted to just get out of there.  I had been pushing God away, severing our relationship.  But God was still calling me back to Him, inviting me to experience His love once again.  I waited as long as I could before going in the confessional.  I thought that the longer I waited, the easier it would be to confess.  In actuality, the longer I waited, the heavier my heart felt.

As I stood in line to enter the confessional, I hear the wind blowing hard outside.  Dust was crashing against the windowpanes, and the trees looked like they were going to be uprooted.  It was my turn to go in.  I stepped into the small confessional, and the only thing between Cha Tuấn and me was a small candle.  I could still hear the wind roaring outside.  I confessed, and Cha Tuấn advised me simple things that would change my outlook on life.  Some of the things Cha told me was common sense, but I could not think of it on my own.  Afterwards, I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off of me.  I looked out the window, and the wind seemed to have died down.  The weather was portraying the way I felt.

From that point on, I was happy and at peace again.  I was free.

On the last day of the retreat, we participated in the Blessing of the Hands, which was similar to the Washing of the Feet.   The two friends who made me cry during the start of the journey also blessed my hands.  As my friend spoke to me, I felt God speaking to me through him, and I felt a rush of love and support.  I was grateful to be blessed with so many wonderful people in my life.  My only regret was that I did not recognize that sooner. 

When it was my turn to bless another’s hands, I noticed that the person sitting next to me looked sad.  I wanted to share my love and happiness with her so I went over to her and kneeled in front of her.  I grabbed her hands but she pulled away and wanted to leave the room, but I just couldn’t let her.  I sort of pinned her down in her chair and told her that everything will be ok.  I told her that I knew what she is going through because I have been through it myself.  I promised her that I would be her friend, helping her find the love that she has been missing in her life just like my friends helped me. It was difficult to get through to her, because she kept pushing me away.  But the more she pushed, the more I tried to get closer to her, physically and emotionally.

When we parted, I was overwhelmed with happiness and love.  I left the retreat house already missing my friends.  I wanted to spend more time with them.  I wanted to hear them laugh.  I wondered when I would see them again.

I think the Holy Spirit knew how I was feeling because the next day, I had the opportunity to see my friends again.  One of my friends called and said that a few of them had talked and decided to do something for the youth at our church.  The consensus was to put on a youth rally in TWO weeks.  I thought it was a wonderful idea. We had to plan the whole thing and get approval from our pastors.  With the power and love of the Holy Spirit still burning inside of us, I thought, we can pull it off.  Anything was be possible. 

Without the help of Cha Long and Cha Tuấn, we wouldn’t have been able to pull it off.  Everyday of those two weeks were spent meeting and planning.  We came up with a program and we were ready to present to our pastors that following Wednesday.  In the middle of our presentation, the pastor asked when we were planning to do it.  We told him August 2nd, the Saturday following the Feast day for St Ignatius.  Though short notice, he was willing to help us with whatever we needed.  We were shocked with his quick response.  We were also happy for the opportunity to share Christ to our fellow youth parishioners.

From that point on, it was a non-stop journey.  Day and night, we met to divide responsibilities.  Our brains were working overtime and a few members’ patience was tested.  Even I wanted to give up at times, but the commitment present in our group helped pull me back into the project.  Without the burning presence of the Holy Spirit in us, I don’t think we cold have achieved anything in two weeks.

We only had one Sunday to announce the rally to the youth in our church.  We made flyers and stuffed them inside of our church’s weekly bulletin.  We also stood at the end of the church passing flyers.  Some seemed curious, but most seemed nonchalant.  We were expecting a low turn out—with the majority as organizing members from our group.  We consoled each other that we really had nothing to lose.  We only had everything to gain from this whole thing. 

The final week came and things looked grim.  Many were clueless about the event; others were clueless about their responsibilities.  That Friday before the big day, we decided to rehearse.  We spent two hours going through everything (again!) and it just looked unprepared and ridiculous.  I lost my cool and got into my car and just left.  That night, I had a conversation with God.  I thought about the pressure our group was under—to show our pastors that we were responsible to pull off a program for the youth at our church.   We wanted to show our parish the group’s good intentions, and more importantly, we wanted to prove to ourselves that we could succeed at anything if we worked together.  I decided that I made a commitment to my group, and I was going to see it to the end.

On the big Saturday, we were supposed to meet at 4 p.m. to prepare, but at four o’clock, only a handful of us showed up.  I suppose as Vietnamese, we operated on Vietnamese time.  So we decided to wait fifteen minutes, and still no one came.  Our four o’clock appointment turned out to be 5:15 p.m. instead.  I was so angry I didn’t want to talk to anyone, but I forced my feelings aside and continued preparing for the rally.  We asked the Holy Spirit to give us the strength and the ability to get through this journey successfully.  In my mind, I was screaming up to the Holy Spirit to grant me the patience that I desperately needed to get through with just the rehearsal. 

The Holy Spirit heard our prayers because everything flowed so smoothly. Everyone was prepared and knew exactly what they were doing.  For the first time in the past few days, I smiled.  I knew from that point on, that we would be fine. 

Mass ended and people headed towards the rally.  The first few faces were familiar, faces I knew from Thiếu Nhi.  Slowly but surely, a crowd began to form.

The program included songs, dance, prayers, sharing, and even tears.  A remarkable component of the program was the closing prayer.  We gathered around a wooden cross praying with Taize. The only light in the room came from about 75 candles scattered throughout.  After Taize, we asked everyone to offer a prayer by brining his and her candle up and placing it at the foot of the Cross.  All the candles were placed; the light radiated the foot of the Cross.  The spectacle brought a tear to my eye.  I was so touched—realizing that Jesus is the Light of my World, of our World.

According to the guest book, a total of 85 people joined the rally—a turnout much greater than expected.  We were very happy and touched to see so many youth came and joined our rally.  We were blessed with the presence of some special guests: Cha Tuấn, Cha Tước, Cha Huyến and Cha Khánh (our pastors), some anh chị from Nhóm Dấu Chân (the adult DH-Denver group) and finally a few parents.  We were very blessed.

That night, I was overwhelmed (again!), realizing that without the Holy Spirit, we would not have accomplished our mission.   Without the Holy Spirit, I would not be as happy as I am today.  Ban Mai and I have been overdosed by the power and love of the Holy Spirit.

P.S. - I would also like to take this opportunity to thank a few people who had made all of this possible: The Holy Spirit, of course, Cha Long, Cha Tuấn, Cha Huyến, Cha Khánh, Cha Tước, Thầy Hạnh, Thầy Lân and all the Jesuit brothers, my good friends Bảo, Kim, Trân, Kiều, Phú, my Ban Mai family, Anh Đức-Paul, Anh Việt, Anh Nghĩa, các Anh Chị Dấu Chân and everyone else.  Thank you for everything you all did to make everything special and possible.  May God bless you and your family always.