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I grew up proud
that I was not a “groupie” person and that I preferred to lead
rather than to follow. During high school when one’s identity
correlated with popularity or with the group one belonged to, I was
satisfied just having one or two close friends. Oftentimes,
however, when the two or three of us sat around, and I looked over
at them, I saw boredom and loneliness in their eyes. I suppose I
was not providing them what they were yearning for. But in the end,
they were not “groupie” persons either, so we were stuck with each
other.
When I was
in college, I joined Hạt Cải and often battled between being by
myself and fulfilling my obligations to the group. I attended
meetings, hosted meetings, and coordinated projects all in the name
of God. Early on, I became a “core member.” I demanded similar
commitment from other members, and when people “had to study,” I
remember feeling cheated, as if I could be studying too. Sometimes
it seemed the cross was too heavy to bear alone or with a few other
core members. Usually, projects turned out well, but along the way
and in the end, I was disgruntled. A wise fellow Mustard Seeds used
to remind me, “The means is more important than the end, Chiêu Giang.”
I curtly replied, “No, the ends justify the means. Always.”
Naturally, with such obstinacy, the members were afraid of me, and I
earned the Cải name, “Cải Dễ Sợ!”
Once I
started pharmacy school, I did not join any group at all. Thank
goodness for “I’m busy with school.” After graduation, I still had
no intention of joining a group. After all, I came to accept the
possibility that I could not - or should not - be part of a group.
I took comfort in the possibility that I was better off on my own.
But I
suppose God was the one to determine my disposition, not me. He had
His own plan, as always the case.
I went to a
retreat last fall, and anh Thu tried to recruit me to join nhóm
Orange. I could not use the excuse “I’m busy with school” anymore
so this time, I used the excuse, “I’m still searching for a group.”
Six months
passed, and I still did not belong to a group. One day, I ran into
Peter at the hospital, and he invited me to nhóm Orange’s upcoming
meeting. I excused myself with, “My work schedule is so hectic.”
Two days
before the meeting, Peter called, and I picked up the phone. He
reminded me about the group meeting. I was available, and since I
was caught “off guard,” I could not say no this time. I guess three
times is the charm.
Today, I am
a cheerful nhóm Orange member. I do not have to host meetings until
I am ready. I do not have to coordinate anything because cha Hào và
mấy anh chị take care of everything. After every meeting, we are
fully fed. Mấy anh chị (nhất là mấy anh) trong nhóm rất khéo và đảm
đang. If I ever need anything, they are more than happy to oblige.
I want to be a happy camper, and they let me-for now. Mấy anh chị
would bend over backwards to help one another. And they do. I
suppose that is why I keep nhóm’s miniature phone list in my wallet,
in the same pocket with my AAA card.
I do not
realize what I have been missing the past 5 years until the lights
are dimmed, the shadows of the candle flames dance on the wall, our
breathing synchronizes, and the caskets of our hearts begin to
unlock. We transform into companions in Christ. For the next
hour, our ears are tickled, our flesh is warmed, our eyes are
glistened, and our hearts are caressed as we sing, share, and
receive each other’s stories. Or rather, He tells us stories. I
could sit in that circle the whole night. Besides my immediate
family, the group is the only other “entity” I feel safe sharing my
discoveries and triumphs without feeling assessed, envied, judged,
or misconstrued. I do not need to prove. I do not need to oblige.
I do not need to impress. With the group, He arrests the Martha and
brings out the Mary in me. And I always sleep well that night.
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