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“What do you want
to be when you grow up?” That was the question that I heard a through
my life growing up. I heard it at home, at school and basically
everywhere else that I went. I remember answering the question based
on what mood I was in during that time period of my life. I remember
wanting to be a teacher, a firefighter, a marine biologist (at that
time I referred to that field as “a person who swims with and studies
the little fish”). Being from Colorado where the National Western
Stock Show comes every year, I even wanted to be a rodeo cowboy.
Never though, did I ever answer that I wanted to become a priest.
Those words would never have come out of my mouth. My family may have
encouraged me to become a priest but I would give them funny looks and
say something like, “Me? Become a priest? Yeah right! You must be
out of your mind to become a priest. They must have had a boring life
or no friends. That is why they became priests. I, on the other
hand, have a very interesting and entertaining life. Along with that,
I have a lot of friends, too many to count.”
It went on like
that for a long time. I had that idea implanted in my head. When I
think of priests, I think “No Life, No Friends”, until one fateful day
during the Pope’s visit to Denver during World Youth Day 1993, I was
approached by a few priests. They asked me if I was interested in
becoming a priest. I couldn’t help but laugh. The priests were
confused but then again, I think they knew why I was laughing because
on of them then told me, “Yeah, it may be funny at first, but once you
actually think about it and know what the story is, it will turn out
to be more of a blessing for your entire life than something that will
tickle your funny bone for a few seconds.” He then gave me a little
pamphlet and told me to read it when I got the chance. They handed it
to me and walked away. I looked down at the bright yellow pamphlet
and saw in bold black letters, “Is God Calling You?” That question
lingered in my mind all throughout the World Youth Day event. It left
a little funny feeling inside of me. It was very strange. Then came
Sunday, the final day of the event. After closing mass, there was
going to be an event where the Pope would have a special visit with
the Vietnamese Catholics. I remember sitting not too far away from
where the Pope was going to be. It was just a few rows away from the
stage. The energy in the room was indescribable. There was constant
cheering and singing. Everyone had huge smiles which stretched from
ear to ear on their faces. It was powerful. When the Pope arrived,
the cheers in the room was so loud, I was surprised the roof didn’t
collapsed. About fifteen minutes after the pope’s arrival, the crowd
calmed down. The program was beginning. Several people came up and
welcomed the Pope and the Vietnamese Community. There was also a few
other keynote speakers. Finally, it was the Pope turn to talk to the
Vietnamese Community. Part of his speech was in Vietnamese. I
couldn’t believe it. The Pope was speaking Vietnamese. That was
awesome. During his speech, I was sitting there in awe. I was in the
same room with the coolest and holiest man in the whole world. All of
a sudden, I here the Pope ask the question, “Is God calling you?” I
immediately remembered the pamphlet that the priests had given to me
earlier in the week. I remember tuning everyone around me out. The
room was quiet. It was like the Holy Father and I was having a one on
one conversation. He said that you need to look deep inside your
heart to answer this question. Everyone has a calling to fulfill
God’s work, but some of us get the special calling to become the
Helpers in God’s vineyard. I was thirteen at the time so I didn’t
fully understand what that meant.
For the next
year, I was trying to answer the question and at the same time,
interpret what the Holy Father was talking about. Then one day, I
thought that maybe my calling is to become that Helper in God’s
vineyard. Maybe God wants me to...become a priest. What? It can’t
be. This isn’t happening, I thought. No not me. I stopped thinking
about it for a few months until National Youth Day 1994. It was kind
of the same thing as World Youth Day but only smaller. It was during
our break time that I found the opportunity to walk around and look at
the little booths that they have set up. They were selling food and
souvenirs. At the end of the row of booths was this little booth
where two priests were sitting. I look at them and their booth to see
what they were selling. They weren’t selling anything. There was
just a whole bunch of stacks of paper on the table. One paper caught
my eye. It was a bright yellow pamphlet that had in bold black
letters, “Is God Calling You?” I was in shock. I haven’t thought
about that question for the past few months. Now, here it is again.
I looked up at the priests, and of course, it was the same two priests
that had given me the pamphlet the year before at World Youth Day.
They then looked at me and remembered me too. “I remember you. You
were the one that laughed when we asked you if you were interested in
becoming a priest.” How in the world could they have remembered me, I
thought. The two priests then introduced themselves to me. They told
me they were from the Legionaries of Christ in Hartford Connecticut.
I stood there and we began to talk for a little while. I got to know
a little about them and they got to know a little about me. I found
out that one of the priests was the best soccer player at the
seminary. I thought to myself, “What? Priests play soccer? How
funny is that?” After telling me a little more about the seminary, my
preconceived notions about priests began to disappear. I had a new
picture of priest in my mind. It was almost time to return to the
program so they asked me for my phone number and address. I gave it
to them not thinking that they were going to contact me.
A few months
after, the “soccer playing” priest gave me a call. We talked for
about two hours. He really got to know me and my needs. I got to
know him and his role at the seminary. It was strange. I was having
a conversation that I would never have had with anyone else, not even
my parents. Of all people, I was having this conversation with a
priest. That conversation then led to several other conversations
which then led to a visit to the seminary. It was Easter of 1995. I
spent Holy week at the seminary in Connecticut. Boy was I in for a
real journey. I followed a seminarian around and experienced what he
did at the seminary. It was the hardest week of my life. I was used
to relaxing and having fun, even when I was in school. This was like
Priest Boot Camp. Everything was so strict and conservative. I
couldn’t handle it. Every night, I remember praying to God to get me
out of that place. The experience was finally over. I was on my way
home. A few weeks later, the priest gave me a call and asked me about
my experience there. I told him that I didn’t want to become a
priest. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable at the seminary.
Everyone acted like they were soldiers. It was too formal and strict
for me. He then told me to not fully discard the idea of becoming a
priest. He informed me that not all seminaries are the same. I just
have to research and see what seminary I would most feel comfortable
with. He checked up on me for the next couple of years, and it would
be the same thing every time. I would tell him that I haven’t been
looking and that I don’t think that it was my calling to become a
priest.
After my visit to
the Legionary of Christ, I had asked one of my aunts to be my
godparent for my Confirmation. At that time, I was still in Thieu Nhi.
My aunt agreed. After confirmation, I dropped out of Thieu Nhi.
Because of that, my aunt made me follow her to a Linh Thao meeting. I
couldn’t stand it. It was two hours every other Saturday evening
where old people (I was fifteen and the people there were in their
twenties and thirties) would come together, turn off the lights, light
candles, read the bible, talk and talk and talk and cry and talk some
more. It was torture for me. I was forced to go for about two
years. I didn’t like it at all. I would always tell my aunt that it
was torture and that I wanted out. She didn’t let me quit. She then
organized a retreat and asked me to come. It was a Come and See with
a priest named Do Ba Long. It was a totally new and spiritual
experience for me. It was pretty strange. I actually enjoyed myself
there. I learned a lot too. During the retreat, I remember cha Long
asking us to close our eyes during the closing mass. Then he asked
us, “Is God Calling You? If you are thinking of dedicating your life
to serve God, raise your hand.” I didn’t raise my hand. I wasn’t
going to become a priest so there was no need to raise my hand. After
the retreat cha Long gave me his email address and we contacted each
other back and forth. I was then elected to be one of the executive
council members for our newly formed group, Ban Mai - Denver. I was a
little skeptical of this new appointment. What do I have to
contribute to the group. All well, “I accept the mission.” How was I
supposed to know that this acceptance was going to change the way that
I look at life. Well, we got the group established. Meanwhile, cha
Long heard of my previous discernment period and so he offered to send
me some information about his seminary. Although I am still waiting
for that packet of information...Cha Long did encourage me to discover
my calling in the mean time. It was quite for a while...a long while,
two years to be exact.
It was at the
Dong Hanh Youth Gathering in Kansas City in 1999 where the subject
came up again. I got to the retreat center and walked through the
doors. I looked around and didn’t see anyone I knew. I began to
register. All of a sudden, I hear “Tuan, I thought you were going to
be a priest.” It was Cha Long shouting down at the other end of the
hall. We hugged and that was it with Cha Long’s part that weekend at
the gathering. That night, we had ice breakers. A few people
approached me and asked if I was a seminarian. I told them no, and I
asked them what made them think that I was a seminarian. Their answer
was that I fit the “profile” of a Thầy. Interesting I thought. All
well, it was only a few people...or so I thought. During that whole
weekend, everyone confused me for a “thầy”. Chú Đạt, anh Hưng, thầy
Hùng, everyone. My nickname was Thầy thanks to a special someone from
the Kansas City group and the few people that accompanied me on this
trip from Denver. That nickname followed me all the way home. My
nickname now in Denver continues to be Thầy. At first, I didn’t feel
too comfortable with the name. Everyone was telling me, maybe it was
a sign for me to become a priest. I don’t know. That idea wasn’t
that appealing to me. After a while, that name grew on me. It also
caused me to think more about the question that I have yet to answer,
“Is God Calling You?”
By the November
of 1999, our group had an election for a new executive council.
Instead of having three representatives, we decided to have a
president and a vice president. I pleaded with my group to not vote
for me. I had enough with the executive council stuff. I just wanted
to be a member. Well, the plead didn’t work because I was elected
president. I had no choice but to accept. I had no idea that this
new term will be the most life changing experience of my life. The
group began to deteriorate and I was beginning to lose hope. I looked
around for help but help was no where to be found locally. The adult
group didn’t care. Their philosophy was that if we survived, okay, if
our group died, maybe it was meant to be. Our group went from thirty
members to about five members overnight. I then started to look to
the other Dong Hanh Youth groups in the US for help. The only group
that responded to me was the Love Boat in Maryland. They treated our
problem as though it was their problem. They started to give me
advice and encouragement for the next few months. That was the first
time that I felt the importance and the impact the Dong Hanh movement
had. I mean, here is a group that has their own problems to worry
about, but they temporarily put the problems aside to help a group
that just formed and they didn’t even know. Now that is what you call
God’s love.
Ban Mai - Denver
then lived up to its name. Ban Mai is the sunrise of a new day, a new
beginning. That was exactly what happened. We started a new
beginning. From that point on, our group began to regain our status
as a stable group. During the journey of recovery, I believe that God
has worked through me and through others that have helped our group.
I began to feel God’s presence growing inside of me. Either that or it
has always been there, I just never took time to notice. Our group is
now four years old and we are stronger then ever. During the journey
of rebuilding the group, I began to learn more about myself and my
capabilities as a person. I grew more patient and understanding. I
also was more willing to help others out. I am more willing to put
myself aside and help others. Maybe I finally found the answer to my
question, “Is God Calling Me?” I began to think a lot more about the
possibility of me becoming a priest. I wasn’t comfortable telling
others about my vocation yet though.
In May of 2001,
our group had our first retreat since the first Come and See in 1997.
It was a Come and See for our new members. We wanted to share our
roots with the new members. I asked cha Long if I could help out and
be one of the group leaders. He said yes. Again, I didn’t know what
I was getting myself into. During that weekend, I felt the most
spiritual but chaotic feeling I have ever felt. It was a very
powerful weekend. I mean, I went to a Come and See before so I kind
of knew what was going to happen. I didn’t know that the experience
as a retreat leader was going to be different from being a retreat
member. That feeling of calmness lingered inside of me lasted for a
day or two. I didn’t really try to figure out why I was feeling this
way. Then, I received an email from a person in my group. He asked
me about my “calling”. We started to email back and forth talking
about our “calling”. After talking to him for a few emails, I then
knew that maybe this was “the call”. Everything that I had felt
before fell more into place and I began to experience more inner peace
and confidence. I decided to accept the possibility of me becoming a
priest...was I really thinking that? Yes, I was. It wasn’t until
recently a few weeks ago when I opened myself up and shared my
thoughts to a priest at the Divine Word Missionary (Dòng Ngôi Lời).
He emailed me back and told me that based on my sharing, I do have a
calling. Cool, I have finally accepted my call. Although it is not a
definite 100% kind of thing, it is an 80 or 85% acceptance.
Then came the
Dong Hanh Gathering 2001 in Allentown, Pennsylvania. I was a part of
the youth team. I was part of the team that was going to lead the
workshop at the gathering. The workshop that I was a part of was the
Leadership and Group Dynamics workshop. One of the activities that we
did was that we asked individual group leaders to share their
experience as a group leader. After almost everyone shared, it was my
turn to share. This was when I decided to put my courage to the
test. I shared my experiences and then added the fact that Dong Hanh
and Ban Mai - Denver helped me open doors to discover my calling to be
a priest. There, I said it. The room then filled with applause and
cheering before I even get to think about what I had just done. I was
proud of myself. I actually shared it to someone else besides the
priest from Divine Word. I shared it with my family...my Dong Hanh
Youth Family.
After the
workshop, I was constantly greeted with congratulations. It was like
everyone heard me and they remembered. That made me feel very
special. They made me feel accepted. Everyone accepted me and my
news. That caused me to accept my calling a little more. I am now up
to 95%. I am getting there. I am almost able to fully answer the
question. Better yet, I am almost ready to say, “God Is Calling Me!”
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